A beginners guide to setting healthy boundaries
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Covid- 19 has infected not just people but our economy, employment, finances, relationships, and of course, physical, and mental health. The world is changing, right before our eyes and uncertainty is all around us. The importance of distancing may be on every poster and every advert that we see but that is not to say that boundaries are not still being broken when it comes to our personal and professional relationships.
The reality is that we cannot control the world and everything in it. We can, however, control 'our' world by ensuring that we have personal boundaries in place to protect us from potentially harmful situations.
Being in control is not the same as the feeling of being in control
Boundaries are the limits and principles that we set ourselves and other people. They help us to say "yes" without resentment and "No" without regret. Setting and keeping boundaries is a life-enhancing process that supports self-clarity, confident decision making, and focus.
Have your boundaries been crossed?
Have you ever left a social interaction feeling taken advantage of? Have you ever felt like a puppet or performer of someone else's show? Do you recall a time where you felt drowned out in a certain relationship? Look out for these subtle (and some not so subtle) signs.
You feel smothered and overwhelmed
You disassociate when you encounter repeat negative interactions e.g. "it doesn't matter", "just ignore it/them"
You feel like a victim in most situations
You justify the bad behaviour of others or do not speak up when you have been treated badly
You repeatedly find yourself in unhealthy, one-sided or difficult and dramatic relationships
You over share details of your life with people that you just met
You melt into the people you like or admire, so much so that you take on their preferences and personalities
Boundaries help you to value yourself in a way that is not contingent on other people or the feelings that they have towards you.
Read through our four top tips to get started setting and defining your own personal boundaries.
1) Recognise your rights
Having boundaries is part of being a normal healthy person. You are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions, feelings, space, friends and spiritual needs. You have a right and a responsibility to yourself to set and enforce them when you feel compromised.
2) Examine your needs and know your limits
Examine past experiences. Understanding how your boundaries were crossed in previously will help you to understand what you need from other people now. Think back to your experiences with strangers, work colleagues, family, friends, and partners. It might be a little difficult but try to think back to times you felt uncomfortable, angry, frustrated taken advantage of, or silenced.
3) Practice saying no, being direct and NOT apologising
Making excuses is common. We over-explain and elaborate, in most cases, it is not necessary. A simple “I won’t be able to make it" or “Can we do next Friday instead?” will suffice in most situations. You are not doing anything wrong so cut the habit out! Address violations early, what is obvious to you may not be to the next person so don’t be vague about your needs.
4) Trust your gut and practice self-awareness
Take the time to pay attention to what you are feeling. Boundaries are about honing your feelings and then honouring them. Ask yourself questions and answer them with the feeling you have in your tummy. Trust that your gut knows your authentic self.
Setting boundaries like many things that contribute to our mental health isn’t always easy or fun but it’s necessary to ensure that we can show up our best to opportunities and relationships that are positive and serve us. Do you have 10 minutes spare? Why not grab a pen and pad and answer these questions to get started setting your boundaries today!
How often do you worry about what other people think?
When did you last say no to someone?
When did you last agree to something you were not fully comfortable with? What about it made you uncomfortable? What boundaries can you take from that situation to ensure that it does not happen again?
What are the five rules to being your friend?
What are 10 things that you hate doing?
When you think about saying no to someone do you feel afraid or calm inside?
What really matters to you? What are your priorities now and for the future?
What boundaries can you create to protect your priorities?
Check out Rhonda D'Ambrasio's event recording her top wellbeing and resilience tips.
