Body Language Basics
What is Body Language and in what situations is it useful to understand nonverbal signs?
This blog will give you the basics and a high level understanding of how to use this superpower!
What is Body Language?
The term was coined by Ray Birdwhistell in 1952, an anthropologist studying how people communicated with each other using non-verbal signals. It can tell you so much more than just the narrative of a conversation and studying just the basics of body language can take your relationship and communication skills to the next level.
Its history
It goes back to pre- language times, before humans could speak as they used their bodies to communicate with each other. Body language communication isn’t just for humans, it’s very apparent in the animal kingdom and where most of the studies have been based in the early days of science discovery around that actions really do have meanings.
Some body language is pre programmed within us, for example, no one showed us how to scowl when we are angry or frustrated or smile or cry. Some are learnt though our cultural & society habits. Body Language can vary dramatically & have different meaning across the globe but there are many core universal signs.
Anyone can learn the basics & it’s a key communication skill seeing as only 7 percent of how we come across is verbal.
Eyes - Often referred to the ‘window to the soul’ as they are capable of revealing a great deal about what a person is thinking or feeling. Eye contact is a good one to look out for; blinking a lot, pupils enlarged, diverted eye contact could reveal an awful lot about what is really going on with someone. Direct eye contact with someone shows confidence and that they are more importantly, listening to you.
Mouth – We can learn a lot by a person’s mouth shape, not just the words that come out of it. If something bothers us, we suck or compress our lips. We bite our lip of we are anxious & nervous. Someone might cover their mouth with their hands if they have something to say. A smile tells the world if we are happy, but even a smile could be cleverly disguised. With an authentic smile, the crows feet, either side of the eyes will crease, a fake smile can be less obvious to disguise for a long period of time.
Hands – Hands can give us many non verbal signs to decipher. Someone with an issue might have their hands on hips, it can also be a sign of confidence and authority. If something is bothering us we interlock our hands. You often see Leaders use a lot of palm up (honesty) or palm down (listen to what I am saying) movements, depending on what they want us to feel about their message. Clenched fists can mean anger or frustration. Take a moment to notice what someone’s hands are doing next time you have a conversation with them.
Facial expressions - Scientists believe we routinely pull 21 distinct faces - more than three times the long-accepted figure of six. I think this is the most common area to understand, we all pretty much can relate to how a person may be feeling just by looking at their face. But watch for signs. Someone could be smiling and saying ‘everything’s great!’ when really they are breaking down inside.
Gestures – Gestures can incorporate all of the above but also other parts of the body. Legs are a common area of the body we use a lot in non verbal communication. Crossed legs, hands on hips, rubbing the bridge of one’s nose, clasping hands behind our back, tilting of the head, all have a meaning. Being aware of your own body gestures as well as others is a great start in improving your communication .
In what ways can we utilise the power of body language?
Building relationships
‘You never get a second chance to make a great first impression’ we’ve all heard that one right?
We decide if we like someone within seconds of meeting someone, why? Not just from what they are saying but how they act, hold themselves and the amount of eye contact.
In business, one of the 1st chances a person has to impress was their handshake. Now this is a thing of the past (for now at least!) so those wet fish hand shakers get a better chance of impressing me with other mannerisms.
A great way of building rapport is to ‘Mirror.’ Now this doesn’t mean to copycat every single gesture but if you do it subtly, I promise you they will never notice. Even if they are a body language enthusiast like you, they may be doing exactly the same thing to you, you will both be oblivious! Next time you are speaking to someone, take a look at what they are doing with their hands, and just put yours in the same position. If they are leaning back in their chair, lean back too. This is of course much harder now we are in the world of virtual conversations and meetings, so try the below on your next virtual call.
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Be mindful of their tone and energy levels. By just varying yours slightly to match those of the person you are speaking to can be the biggest, subtle rapport builder trick you do!
Negotiation
Body language is studied vastly in the FBI. Negotiators need to understand if someone is lying or hiding something but also to talk someone from making that jump or pulling that trigger.
Often people will look at the contradiction that occurs between what is said and the body language. The person you are negotiating with might say “yes everything is fine, we will sign” but their body language is conveying a different story. Don’t ignore this, dig deeper to ensure you are achieving a win win.
If you find yourself in a face to face negotiation, relax your body, smile, nod, keep an open posture and using mirroring as I mention above to help build that all important rapport.
Continuous clock watching, closing their notebook or laptop is a sign that it’s the end of any serious ‘business’ talk and they are getting ready to leave. Be mindful not to carry on talking too much after you see someone do this.
Discovering hidden truths
I’ll tell you a story for this one. A friend of mine noticed her husband was acting slightly differently, she thought he might be depressed or stressed with work. For some reason (and to this day she doesn’t know why she asked it) she asked him if he was having an affair. They had been together for 16 years and she had never once doubted his fidelity. He said ‘no, don’t be ridiculous’ but the way he said it, the way he looked down after saying it, the way his body tightened gave the game away to her. All these movements were so incredibly subtle they could have all been missed. She knew straight away he wasn’t telling the truth so she asked him the question again; this time she got the answer she never thought she would hear. ‘Yes’ he said.
Touching your neck, ear, nose can all be signs that someone could have something to hide. Being vague on details and breaking eye contact at a crucial moment is a big giveaway.
Are you flirting with me?
It can be pretty easy to determine if someone is into you. Their entire body is facing towards you, they will lean in to get closer whilst at the same time retaining lots of eye contact. When you are attracted to someone your heartrate increases slightly so there may be signs of blushed cheeks or redness on the neck, and pupils will dilate.
Touch is a big give away and can distinguish between someone that likes you and enjoys talking to you, from someone who really likes you. If someone is attracted to you, they are going to find opportunities to touch your hand, arm or leg as frequently as they can get away with. They might not even realise they are doing it!
It’s well known women often play with their hair or fidget. Be sure to keep your body movements to a minimum. Move with purpose and control and you’ll come across as more confident and attractive
The Love Lab
There was a fascinating study by John Gottman on more than 3000 couples in the 1980s. Each couple was filmed having a conversation with each other, electrodes and sensors where factored in so they could measure body temperature and heart rate. A coding system was created that had 20 separate categories corresponding to every conceivable emotion that a married couple might express during a conversation. On the basis of those calculations and watching just an hour of tape, Gottman was able to predict, with a 95% accuracy, whether a couple will still be married 15 years later. Even just watching 3 minutes of a tape, he was still able to predict with fairly impressive accuracy which couples would get divorced or which would make it.
References –
I’ve used my 15 years experience in supplier management to draw on the lessons learnt over the 1000’s of meetings I’ve been in over the years. I’ve used a combination of self-teaching, experience and the references below to create this blog.
https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/how-many-seconds-to-a-first-impression
Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
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